Boring Things

I'm feeling restless but I have nothing say.

I'm going to make a list of boring things which you can click through to read if you want to read boring things. If you don't want to then look at this picture of my sister!

Neko Bean!

Effigies

I asked "please do not burn me in effigy." Actually, that is incorrect; I said "promise me that you will not burn me in effigy."

What I should have asked is "promise not to create an effigy of me." At the time I thought to myself, to be symbolically destroyed would be terrible but I am learning that it is not as terrible as being created.

knee high socks and comic books

Gareth at Legends straight up gave me Watching the Watchmen hardcover coffee table book, which resulted in Sunday Afternoon Reading Hour at The Love Shack. Wally wasn't as interested in reading it as I was, but he was into wandering around and meowing loudly at me.

when not over-analyzing

I may have implied that I am not happy in my last post. That is just not true! I was about to write about it, but then I was stalking Kim's blog and I saw this video which sums my life up nicely:

Who Loves The Sun?

It is not sad that the idea of me is lovable and I am not. What is sad is that i cannot become the idea. I cannot shuffle off my imperfect flesh (so like a great, sweating rat), my neat collection of flaws, the monotony of days, the way anyone is indefinably annoying when you live with them. I cannot transcend these things and become an idea.

If I could, if I were just a fantasy, then I would never get lonely or hungry or sick. I would never be unappealing or ordinary or invisible like furniture that you see everyday but never notice. As a collection of memories that are less about what actually happened and more about how you think you felt - I could be really enchanting.

If I were only these songs that remind you of me and misremembered images and inside jokes and the way seeing hello kitty feels now, if I was just all of these things strung together maybe I could be happy. If I could be just an idea and not a person who has to go on waking up as an imitation of an imagined self maybe I could be really happy. 

Because being desirable and lovable and fuckable is what is most important in life, isn't it?

Hung Over On A Thursday

Last night I went to Irish Times after work with Matt and then to Zambris with Melissa. Then the two of us ladies went to Touch for some dancing all night long, except I felt sick at about one and went home early. I guess I over did it but it was an amazing night. Our tour of the cocktail menu was a real thrill. Melissa is not afraid to be indulgent and decadent like me and we talked about boys and ate dessert first. Sean was also killing it in the top room at Touch; he played Wu Tang Clan and Salt-n-Pepa. Melissa was a fierce dancer and looked crazygonuts sexy in her mesh jumpsuit.

Now I am having a bed-in, reading everyones blogs and agreeing with Mandy that it would be nice to have more company than just Wally (my cat), only because Wally can't make me breakfast.

PS. Coke Talk nailed it in this one, what it means to be alone versus be lonley is what I've been thinking about more than anything else.

Od' und leer das Meer

After giving it some thought, I have come to the conclusion that I live alone. This may seem obvious given that I am single and not seeing anyone and I reside in a bachelor apartment. However, I have been feeling sad and nostalgic and feeling like I miss certain people.

I have given much thought to the difference between being alone and being lonely. Of the two, I am alone. I would even go so far as to say that it is not that I am alone but that I live alone.

1:30

I still intend to write about the rest of my halloweekend and post more pictures. But I wanted to talk with you about living alone.

It's a little funny that I have come to this conclusion again all these years later. Little Kiki was so moved by Heart of Darkness, by this passage in particular, and now I am almost afraid to admit it because it seems that people are forced to read these things in an academic setting and then find them distasteful because of it. It's a shame because Heart of Darkness, Catcher in the Rye, Brave New World, are such excellent books and it seems the more people who read them the less fashionable it is to actually like them.

In anycase, the passage which moved me at first reading and is strangely relevant again now that I have contemplated living alone more deeply:

He was just a word for me. I did not see the man in the name any more than you do. Do you see him? Do you see the story? Do you see anything? It seems to me I am trying to tell you a dream -- making a vain attempt, because no relation of a dream can convey the dream-sensation, that commingling of absurdity, surprise, and bewilderment in a tremor of struggling revolt, that notion of being captured by the incredible which is of the very essence of dreams. . . ."

   He was silent for a while.

   ". . . No, it is impossible; it is impossible to convey the life-sensation of any given epoch of one's existence -- that which makes its truth, its meaning -- its subtle and penetrating essence. It is impossible. We live, as we dream -- alone. . . ."

Although, I have only spent 4 evenings in a row alone in my apartment. Maybe these feelings change after a long, long time of living alone. I will not find out because I am glad to tell you that I am becoming a cat foster parent. Wally the cat is coming to live with me tomorrow and I am very looking forward to it.

Artists Rendering of Kiki in Oz, where Wally is a stuffed animal and Nathan is a magician.

Halloweekend: Day One Jackie O in Yaletown and a French Maid at the Waldorf

 

I am back now from my halloweekend of insanity. I am contemplating the difference between being alone and being lonely. I am recuperating by being self indulgent, staying cooped up in my apartment with take out and 9.8 percent coconut yogurt and hardly saying any thing to anyone and watching tv and trying to comfort myself in any small way that I can.

So these are photos I took using my terrible iphone camera, when I missed the ferry. I did the whole trip over to Vancouver dressed as Jackie O - the ferry, the bus, the skytrain, the bus again, all of it. Michelle met me downtown and we went back to her place in East Van so I could drop my bags off and freshen up. We took a cab to a party at her boyfriend's work in Yaletown.

Lucas is a videogame developer and it was a lovely party. As much free food and drink as a girl could handle and everyone had such creative and accurate costumes. There was a princess of power, ramona flowers, hunter s thompson and dwight shrute. I was very impressed. A couple of people thought Michelle and I were from Mad Men. I love the show as much as the next hipster but to think that anything from the 60s is just going to be indiscriminately attributed to mad men is a shame. Kids today. More after the jump...