10.23.2010
10.21.2010
Everybody's Breakin' Up Somebody Else's Home
Alright team, fair warning, some of these songs are really silly. I think one must have a sense of humour about these things. (illicit affairs). As I have said before, I want to each day to feel amused. That light hearted feeling that at once acknowledges the absurdity of life and celebrates it with a relaxed smirk. It is hard to feel amused when anxiety is once again tightening its grip on me. I awake each morning, not with an exquisite joy but with shortness of breath, a painful headache and a tightness in my jaw from grinding my teeth. My thoughts are in all the most dangerous places. A full on panic attack and a crisis of willpower. I suppose that everyone feels stressed by their bills, their job, their exes.
Which is precisely why I attempt to focus on planning my upcoming holiday and on developing my crushes on the most unavailable young men I can find. Applicants must be:
- Tall
- Well Dressed
- Well Read
- Well Spoken
- In a Monogamous Relationship - or - In a Different Country (or both)
10.15.2010
तत् त्वम् असि
I wrote about 600 words tonight about the unknown and asking you, my friends who read this, to afford me all these little words despite how they must bore you, because this is how I have chosen to communicate: writing to him under through writing to you. In these writings, I asked you to take another little piece of my heart, knowing full well who i intend those pieces for. I even addressed him as directly as I could.
I started writing listening to this song, and now, over an hour later, I will finish writing and publish almost nothing of what I wrote because I think now I understand a little better what this song was trying to tell me. At first it caught my attention and I thought it was magic. Now, I hear them singing, "It doesn't matter what I do." and I understand that it is not magic at all.
I am strangely at peace with this, now, at 2:13 am.
I have saved all my little words for myself. Later I will read them and I will feel again a fraction of this passion that drives me to flagellate myself by reading and re-reading his little words every day, several times a day. Again, I wonder what will hurt more, reading my name in his journal or not reading it? Not reading it because I have ceased to read or because he has ceased to write? What hurts more the known or the unknown? Why do I prefer the feeling of not-hurting when surely great and terrible heartbreak is as desirable a feeling as any other?
10.12.2010
Halloween Costume Ideas 2010
I've pretty much spent the last hour agonizing over what I'm going to be for halloweens (friday, saturday and sunday nights) this year. Luckily most of these costumes I can put together pretty easily. I will go shopping tomorrow and see what I can get together...
10.10.2010
One of Each for Vero
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| More Rick Owens |
I think style.com said they were made of bone, and some of them look it. I can't imagine them making a hundreds of them out of bone and putting them up for sale - so maybe in the end they will make them out of wood or plastic. I wonder how difficult it would be to make one...
More Photos of Me
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| More Photos of Steve McQueen |
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| More Kiki (So cute! Thanks Vero!) |
More music is upcoming and more of my writing is in the previous post. Thanks for your love Vero! PS. this last caturday was the best yet. Thanks for pm making my week. xoxooxoxoxo
but he, he wasn't you
Like a dream, everything is distorted but logical.
In the dream I found myself upon the stone steps of a square, on some distant campus. I was talking to a young man and I felt very upset. My eyes were watering. My hands were gesturing, my arms were beating the air like wings. I was trying to push my feelings out of my fingertips into the space between us.
The scene changes. We were in a small classroom where a band is practicing. I fainted, falling into the foot of ocean water cresting across the floor. The tide is coming into the classroom. I let the foam wash over my naked chest. I vomit. I cough and spit and vomit again. The bile mixes with the white wash and it swirls over me.
In the way that dreams do, these surreal events make perfect sense. I feel instinctively confident that these happenings are right.
I am here. You are there. This is also right.
Then there was a moment when I read where you misspelled my name and I understood fully that my being here and you being there means we are apart. I also understood that this is as right as my lying down in a pool of ocean water and vomit in a small classroom while a band is practicing.
In the dream I found myself upon the stone steps of a square, on some distant campus. I was talking to a young man and I felt very upset. My eyes were watering. My hands were gesturing, my arms were beating the air like wings. I was trying to push my feelings out of my fingertips into the space between us.
The scene changes. We were in a small classroom where a band is practicing. I fainted, falling into the foot of ocean water cresting across the floor. The tide is coming into the classroom. I let the foam wash over my naked chest. I vomit. I cough and spit and vomit again. The bile mixes with the white wash and it swirls over me.
In the way that dreams do, these surreal events make perfect sense. I feel instinctively confident that these happenings are right.
I am here. You are there. This is also right.
Then there was a moment when I read where you misspelled my name and I understood fully that my being here and you being there means we are apart. I also understood that this is as right as my lying down in a pool of ocean water and vomit in a small classroom while a band is practicing.
10.04.2010
Halloween Costume Ideas 2010
I was browsing the Urban Outfitter's halloween costume contest on their facebook and I saw this:
I'm impressed.
Unknowns
There are many unknowns this morning and they seem to be multiplying. It is unknown what I might have said if I had been asked when I was still in it. Yes, when I was deep in it, I had different opinions. It is unknown what might have happened if I had said yes. It is unknown exactly what goes on. There are unknown pleasures and unknown ailments and unknown Americans.
I can't imagine the future boys
but I guess they are out there.
What is certain is that I do not want to be anyones' girlfriend. In fact, I will be anything else. I will be the funny girl that one sees films with. The temptress. The chick who wore knee high socks. The stone cold fox with the downtown flat. The dancer. The lover. The threat. The complicated one. Saturday night. The dirty secret.
I will be anything but
the girlfriend (your girlfriend)
because I was once his girlfriend
and the title is now retired.
10.01.2010
S2011RTW: Rick Owens
Why do you read this blog? I mean, what would you like to see more of?
If you're here for the fashion, all I have report on is my love of this:
I love that tuning fork hairpiece and I would rock this cartoon supervillan look. For more: http://www.style.com/fashionshows/review/S2011RTW-ROWENS.
xoxo
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