Everybody's Breakin' Up Somebody Else's Home

Alright team, fair warning, some of these songs are really silly. I think one must have a sense of humour about these things. (illicit affairs). As I have said before, I want to each day to feel amused. That light hearted feeling that at once acknowledges the absurdity of life and celebrates it with a relaxed smirk. It is hard to feel amused when anxiety is once again tightening its grip on me. I awake each morning, not with an exquisite joy but with shortness of breath, a painful headache and a tightness in my jaw from grinding my teeth. My thoughts are in all the most dangerous places. A full on panic attack and a crisis of willpower. I suppose that everyone feels stressed by their bills, their job, their exes.

Which is precisely why I attempt to focus on planning my upcoming holiday and on developing my crushes on the most unavailable young men I can find. Applicants must be:

• Tall
• Well Dressed
• Well Read
• Well Spoken
• In a Monogamous Relationship - or - In a Different Country (or both)

The above playlist is the soundtrack for Operation Unlawful. Special thanks to The 5 Star General and The Double Agent who sent me many of these songs.

तत् त्वम् असि

I wrote about 600 words tonight about the unknown and asking you, my friends who read this, to afford me all these little words despite how they must bore you, because this is how I have chosen to communicate: writing to him under through writing to you. In these writings, I asked you to take another little piece of my heart, knowing full well who i intend those pieces for. I even addressed him as directly as I could.

I started writing listening to this song, and now, over an hour later, I will finish writing and publish almost nothing of what I wrote because I think now I understand a little better what this song was trying to tell me. At first it caught my attention and I thought it was magic. Now, I hear them singing, "It doesn't matter what I do." and I understand that it is not magic at all.

I am strangely at peace with this, now, at 2:13 am. 

I have saved all my little words for myself. Later I will read them and I will feel again a fraction of this passion that drives me to flagellate myself by reading and re-reading his little words every day, several times a day. Again, I wonder what will hurt more, reading my name in his journal or not reading it? Not reading it because I have ceased to read or because he has ceased to write? What hurts more the known or the unknown? Why do I prefer the feeling of not-hurting when surely great and terrible heartbreak is as desirable a feeling as any other?

to come each time you call

Draft Playlist for the Back to the Future Party

So local legend Andrea Dashwood has a reputation for throwing epic theme parties. I have prepared the following playlist as part of my research. Try to spot the deliberate and irresistible anachronisms. Any suggestions on songs to add? Lay it on me.

xoxo

It's Raining Outside Playlist

Salt-N-Pepa

I know this song was in my fall mix tape, but I'd like to draw your attention to it again. Press play and listen to it start to finish, I urge you.

Nothing works off a hang over like gyrating around your apartment in your hello kitty underpants with PUSH IT at full blast. Good thing I don't have any downstairs neighbors.

PS. Had some choice people over for drinks (my friends drank beer, I had brandy and champagne cocktails) and we played Pokemon Jr. Adventure Game: Pokemon Emergency! I was a young trainer with a charmander. It was the social event of the season! Photos are forthcoming.  

if you ever change your mind about leaving me behind

A mix tape is for all the things I can't express by myself. (brought to me by the fall, my new apartment giving me hives, stomping around downtown in high heels even when my feet hurt, eating take out so I don't have to wash dishes, it's really delicious chicken from foo though, heartbreak, fucking heartbreak, fucking great and terrible heartbreak, fucking, the vile nightclub across the street, insomnia, watching dirty harry at my parents house, losing weight, attending poetry readings, reading my ex-boyfriend's blog, hoping I don't hurt him with what I do and say and write but how could I not and even if I didn't, wouldn't that be worse somehow, to think that he's not feeling anything anymore?)



Don't think twice, it's alright, hoist that rag.
(I wanna be your dog, push it.)
- just one of those things, when the levee breaks... bring it on home to me.
Luck you, there is a light and it never goes out; loan me a dime.

See Also (if you really want to stay up all night gritting your teeth):
All Yr Songs - Diamond Rings
Just What I Needed - The Cars
Home - Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros
Just Like Honey - Jesus and Mary Chain
Let's Pretend We're Bunny Rabbits - The Magnetic Fields
Hateful - The Clash
Miss You - The Rolling Stones
Bang, Bang - Nancy Sinatra